(this is annie)

My roommate and her friends (JC, too, but not here) have been watching The Bachelor this season. I never got into the show and had no idea that it was still on the air, but apparently needy singles are still doing rose ceremonies. Tonight, Meg had some girlfriends over and despite my initial plan to do bad emo covers in my bedroom, I was lured into their show-mocking festivities.

Things I learned from watching The Bachelor:

1. To be on this show, it helps to have very bad hair.
2. People on this show frequently thank each other for "sharing this journey together." Who talks like that?
3. The women proclaim their love for some putz of a pilot, despite the obvious lack of chemistry.
4. The women, at least these two finalists, do not seem to have a surplus of self-esteem.

Sadly, there was not much more to learn. Fueled by half of a pear cider, I joined the ladies in talking back to the television. The putzy pilot lays out this faux-consolatory speech to the girl he doesn't pick, going on about how she's so great blah blah blah and she's going to make someone (else) so happy someday. Which is probably true because she seems nice enough, and you get the sense that the pilot picked the other girl only because she puts out. But still.

The 25-year-old loser's feelings are understandably hurt, and she says something about how she's heard this sort of thing before. "You shink you're tired of 'earing that NOW?" I slurred, pointing my half-full cider at the television for emphasis. "Jushoo wait until you're MY AYSHE."

After the program concluded, there was a special reunion of the bachelor, his betrothed, and the loser girl. I made it through five minutes before leaving the room. The poor fragile girl had to talk with her woulda-been lover Captain Bland, and despite her attempt at putting on a brave face, we could all see where this was going. "Don't do it," I impotently bellowed. "Don't ask him why he doesn't love you." All of us agreed that doing so is just the worst because no answer will ever be satisfying.

I looked at her face and saw that she wasn't going to heed our advice, and I couldn't bear to see this poor girl extend her heartbreak on television. If she were a friend, I'd remind her that rejection is one thing, but rejection from a fool is cruel. What that show needs is more Moz, obviously. It would be a ratings goldmine.

Labels: strangers