C stopped by last night with food, and we had an oddly enjoyable meal of tamales, rose tea, and ice cream. Weird, but it worked. Out of habit I said something about my parents using a present-tense verb: "My parents are..." I had to stop myself and replace it with "My mother is." It's a correction I hadn't had to make until that point. I can tell people that my father died, and I can do it without crying. It's these little unexpected reminders that make me choke up. Betty said that while slicing into an acorn squash, she saw a heart shape inside, and she broke down. The smallest signs of absence cut randomly, deeply.
Yesterday morning, I was talking with Meg and I felt my eyes well up with tears. I am trying so hard, I told her, to keep everything together. For the most part, I do. I am trying to be strong and I am trying to have the whole "this too shall pass" attitude. But sometimes I can no longer muffle the voice inside me that wants to say — no, shout — that it doesn't seem fair to have so much loss, sadness and stress stuffed into such a short period of time. For the most part, I've been focusing on the positive days to come, but not tonight! Tonight I am allowing myself to have a full-blown pity party complete with "feeling sorry for self" activities. Back to stiff upper lip and rebuilding tomorrow, because I am not proud of wanting to have a pity party.
Yesterday morning, I was talking with Meg and I felt my eyes well up with tears. I am trying so hard, I told her, to keep everything together. For the most part, I do. I am trying to be strong and I am trying to have the whole "this too shall pass" attitude. But sometimes I can no longer muffle the voice inside me that wants to say — no, shout — that it doesn't seem fair to have so much loss, sadness and stress stuffed into such a short period of time. For the most part, I've been focusing on the positive days to come, but not tonight! Tonight I am allowing myself to have a full-blown pity party complete with "feeling sorry for self" activities. Back to stiff upper lip and rebuilding tomorrow, because I am not proud of wanting to have a pity party.
Labels: i give up
Pop quiz!
1. Which one of the following did not happen to Miss T. during the past four weeks?
2. True or false? September 2009 is the worst month in recent, or even not-so-recent personal history.
1. Which one of the following did not happen to Miss T. during the past four weeks?
- a) Found lump in breast, had biopsy, turned out to be benign (whew)
- b) Lost father
- c) Lost boy
- d) Fell off bicycle, narrowly missed being run over by light rail train, bloodied body and broke left foot (crutches!)
- e) Won the lottery, received love letter from Robert Pattinson, bought swank apartment in the Marais
2. True or false? September 2009 is the worst month in recent, or even not-so-recent personal history.
- True
- False
Labels: i give up
