(this is annie)

C stopped by last night with food, and we had an oddly enjoyable meal of tamales, rose tea, and ice cream. Weird, but it worked. Out of habit I said something about my parents using a present-tense verb: "My parents are..." I had to stop myself and replace it with "My mother is." It's a correction I hadn't had to make until that point. I can tell people that my father died, and I can do it without crying. It's these little unexpected reminders that make me choke up. Betty said that while slicing into an acorn squash, she saw a heart shape inside, and she broke down. The smallest signs of absence cut randomly, deeply.

Yesterday morning, I was talking with Meg and I felt my eyes well up with tears. I am trying so hard, I told her, to keep everything together. For the most part, I do. I am trying to be strong and I am trying to have the whole "this too shall pass" attitude. But sometimes I can no longer muffle the voice inside me that wants to say — no, shout — that it doesn't seem fair to have so much loss, sadness and stress stuffed into such a short period of time. For the most part, I've been focusing on the positive days to come, but not tonight! Tonight I am allowing myself to have a full-blown pity party complete with "feeling sorry for self" activities. Back to stiff upper lip and rebuilding tomorrow, because I am not proud of wanting to have a pity party.

Labels: i give up