"Don't forget to wear something green tomorrow," Danny said last night. But that is not my color, and so the only suitable thing in my closet is a pair of forest green stacked-heel oxfords. (Purchased in Nolita, $50, 2004.) Instead, I will wear my old MBV shirt. This is how I imagine things going:
SCENE - POST STREET, DAYTIME
ANNIE is trudging to the office in jeans and her MBV tee. She has made an attempt to not look completely unkempt; she has washed her hair and everything. While walking to his office, FAKE RYAN GOSLING spots her out of the corner of his eye.
FRG: Oh hello, Fake Natalie Portman!
ANNIE: Hi, Fake Ryan Gosling. I don't get Natalie Portman very much anymore. Last time it was Sarah Jessica Parker, and before that, Rumer Willis. All things considered, I think I preferred Natalie Portman.
FRG: Technically, she would look like you, since you are older. Everyone knows you had the cheek mole first, too. She is totally biting your style.
ANNIE: Thank you.
FRG: You are welcome. I was kind of clueless when you were talking about my bicycle panniers at the farmer's market, you know.
ANNIE: It's okay. I told myself that maybe you were gay, and that was why you showed so little interest in conversation. Doing so allows me to avoid examining the reasons behind my failure to charm you even slightly.
FRG: Oh, I am not gay (although if I were, that is OK, too). I am just clueless. Your feminine wiles are indeed irresistible, my pet, and what's that you're wearing? A faded, cut-up My Bloody Valentine t-shirt?
ANNIE: Why, yes. Yes, it is.
FRG: I surmise that you are wearing it because My Bloody Valentine are an Irish band, and today is St. Patrick's Day. What sartorial brilliance! Everybody will get the allusion and nobody will harass you about not wearing green — which, as we all can see, is really not your color. What are you doing after work? May I buy you a drink — say, at House of Shields?
ANNIE: Only if we can call it House of Kevin Shields.
FRG: That is clever! Even if nobody else has ever seemed to think so.
ANNIE: Why are we using so few contractions?
FIN
In reality, this is what is likely to unfold:
SCENE - POST STREET, DAYTIME
ANNIE walks to the office and nearly avoids being peed on by a muttering vagrant. LOITERING BIKE MESSENGER DUDES give her the staredown, which makes her want to point at their patches and tell them that Amebix was really a crap band.
ANNIE: Not wearing green does not mean I am an anti-celebratory grouch.
EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD: Yuh-huh! It does!
ANNIE: But I am wearing an Irish band's shirt. Isn't that enough?
EEITW: No! Commence the pinching!
As a crowd hopped up on Lucky Charms and Shamrock Shakes advances, ANNIE attempts to escape. Unfortunately, she is no match for their crabby fingers, and she is slowly pinched to death. Her last words are a gasped telling of a holiday-appropriate joke that she always finds funny despite only one other person EVER laughing at it.
FIN
ANNIE is trudging to the office in jeans and her MBV tee. She has made an attempt to not look completely unkempt; she has washed her hair and everything. While walking to his office, FAKE RYAN GOSLING spots her out of the corner of his eye.
FRG: Oh hello, Fake Natalie Portman!
ANNIE: Hi, Fake Ryan Gosling. I don't get Natalie Portman very much anymore. Last time it was Sarah Jessica Parker, and before that, Rumer Willis. All things considered, I think I preferred Natalie Portman.
FRG: Technically, she would look like you, since you are older. Everyone knows you had the cheek mole first, too. She is totally biting your style.
ANNIE: Thank you.
FRG: You are welcome. I was kind of clueless when you were talking about my bicycle panniers at the farmer's market, you know.
ANNIE: It's okay. I told myself that maybe you were gay, and that was why you showed so little interest in conversation. Doing so allows me to avoid examining the reasons behind my failure to charm you even slightly.
FRG: Oh, I am not gay (although if I were, that is OK, too). I am just clueless. Your feminine wiles are indeed irresistible, my pet, and what's that you're wearing? A faded, cut-up My Bloody Valentine t-shirt?
ANNIE: Why, yes. Yes, it is.
FRG: I surmise that you are wearing it because My Bloody Valentine are an Irish band, and today is St. Patrick's Day. What sartorial brilliance! Everybody will get the allusion and nobody will harass you about not wearing green — which, as we all can see, is really not your color. What are you doing after work? May I buy you a drink — say, at House of Shields?
ANNIE: Only if we can call it House of Kevin Shields.
FRG: That is clever! Even if nobody else has ever seemed to think so.
ANNIE: Why are we using so few contractions?
In reality, this is what is likely to unfold:
ANNIE walks to the office and nearly avoids being peed on by a muttering vagrant. LOITERING BIKE MESSENGER DUDES give her the staredown, which makes her want to point at their patches and tell them that Amebix was really a crap band.
ANNIE: Not wearing green does not mean I am an anti-celebratory grouch.
EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD: Yuh-huh! It does!
ANNIE: But I am wearing an Irish band's shirt. Isn't that enough?
EEITW: No! Commence the pinching!
As a crowd hopped up on Lucky Charms and Shamrock Shakes advances, ANNIE attempts to escape. Unfortunately, she is no match for their crabby fingers, and she is slowly pinched to death. Her last words are a gasped telling of a holiday-appropriate joke that she always finds funny despite only one other person EVER laughing at it.
Labels: music
Ha! I was thinking that you looked like Natalie Portman in those arty b&w "film" photos you posted recently, but I decided not to mention that. Now I know I was wrong, and Natalie Portman looks like you.
That's very kind of you; thanks. And I'm glad we could clear things up. Natalie is probably very tired of hearing that she looks like me. Remember when she shaved her head? Yeah, that was an attempt to define herself as her own person. Poor girl.
You could've gotten around the pinching by changing the font color to green on St. Pat's. Nobody can resist the green fontage.