When I can't sleep, and even reading critical essays on Faulkner can't do the trick, I like to play the game of fives. The game involves choosing five things, such as the five languages I'd speak (English, French, Japanese, Arabic, Spanish) or, in this case, the five magic powers I'd choose.
#1: Mind control. Note that I do not have the power to read minds. I just get to control them. I get to use this power only once a day, to keep me from abusing my power. I plan to use this power for good, although I understand that mind control is inherently against free will and therefore not so good. It's my insomniac fantasy, okay?
#2: Flight. The next time R. Kelly sings "I belieeeve I can flyyyyy," I will appear on stage to surprise him. I will then one-up him by actually flying, thereby embarrassing the perverted chump in question and forcing him into retirement. I fly very smoothly, for what it's worth; it's more of a glide than a clumsy exercise in flapping.
#3: Invisibility cloak. I would use it to sneak around and visit secret, off-limits places. I would also use it to play pranks on the President and to hide hard-boiled eggs under the mattresses of my enemies.
#4: Shape-shifting. I would be able to hide myself as another living being, but not an inanimate object. That's the Achilles' heel of this power. If, say, I were in a panic and transformed myself into a coffee filter, I would have to stay a coffee filter indefinitely, thereby resigning myself to an unhappy life of landfill decomposition.
#5: I don't know what this power should be. I usually fall asleep by the time I get to this one, and the only thing I can think of is some sort of crazy healing power. I would be able to heal people, but then I think that people might bring the Jesus stuff into it, and I don't really want to deal with anything like that.
#1: Mind control. Note that I do not have the power to read minds. I just get to control them. I get to use this power only once a day, to keep me from abusing my power. I plan to use this power for good, although I understand that mind control is inherently against free will and therefore not so good. It's my insomniac fantasy, okay?
#2: Flight. The next time R. Kelly sings "I belieeeve I can flyyyyy," I will appear on stage to surprise him. I will then one-up him by actually flying, thereby embarrassing the perverted chump in question and forcing him into retirement. I fly very smoothly, for what it's worth; it's more of a glide than a clumsy exercise in flapping.
#3: Invisibility cloak. I would use it to sneak around and visit secret, off-limits places. I would also use it to play pranks on the President and to hide hard-boiled eggs under the mattresses of my enemies.
#4: Shape-shifting. I would be able to hide myself as another living being, but not an inanimate object. That's the Achilles' heel of this power. If, say, I were in a panic and transformed myself into a coffee filter, I would have to stay a coffee filter indefinitely, thereby resigning myself to an unhappy life of landfill decomposition.
#5: I don't know what this power should be. I usually fall asleep by the time I get to this one, and the only thing I can think of is some sort of crazy healing power. I would be able to heal people, but then I think that people might bring the Jesus stuff into it, and I don't really want to deal with anything like that.
Labels: sleep
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