On Friday night, I dreamed that Jennifer Love Hewitt and I were at a large media "industry party." I found her in the powder room, which was buttery yellow. And then we started getting our kissyface on. I remember thinking, "Aha. How odd. JLH's boobs are real, after all!" Latent homosexual symbolism aside, why am I fantasizing about Jennifer Love Hewitt? I can't
stand her. I think she's horsey-looking. I think she's dimwitted and lacking talent. Of all the starlets for my dream-self to smooch, why is it her?