Seddu and I rock the casbah as some weird man stands underneath the video screen.

That's not a wide torso you see -- it's Tali in the background!

People were handing out blinking red buttons

...see if you can find them.

Our group began to dance in a corner, away from the bumping and grinding that was occurring near the middle of the floor. But it didn't take long for the men to realize that they weren't going to score with the Penthouse models. So they moved on to us civilian women in hopes of getting some sort of action. Within minutes, each of us was under surveillance by at least one head-bobbing man. Tali and Seddu danced together, and I paid careful attention to my club soda. Nobody noticed the guy coming toward us until it was too late.

Wearing a white shirt and black pants, along with a tie worthy of placement in the International Male catalog, the young man slinked his way toward our party. He began to gyrate his pelvis and wave his hands in the air like he just don't care -- all in front of poor Ophi. Upon closer inspection of Rico Suave's getup, I noticed that he was sporting a tacky gold chain around his neck. Obviously someone got a good prize in his Burger King Kids Club Meal. And as he spun around, apparently getting his groove on, I was horrified by the sight of a folded sweat rag in his back pocket.

I think Ophi simultaneously found that same awful discovery, because she began to look rather uncomfortable as Rico Suave leaned in to talk with her. Yet he continued to dance around her in some bizarre mating ritual that failed miserably. After a few minutes of ass-wiggling as Ophi stood idly by, he finally left and set his mojo toward some other clubgoer. We later found him dancing with an extremely drunk woman in a fashion that would make Foxy Brown blush.

By this time, Seddu had left, so it was just me and the twins. We were having a delightful time, and all was well now that the sweat-towel bandit was out of the picture. I noticed two well-dressed men on the other side of the room, and they seemed to be watching us. At first, I was nervous because they looked interested in us. But when they began to talk intimately, ignoring a tipsy blonde woman's advances, I figured they were gay. Only when one of them approached me did I realize that he wasn't gay at all.

Oh yes, my gaydar was broken, and I was dealing with Chris or Chad or something like that. As it turns out, he was an investment banker (Tali's prediction came true). We had a conversation that involved me trying to politely ignore him while he asked for my phone number. Thankfully, it lasted only five minutes and soon Chris-Chad was stumbling off into the night.

And it wasn't long until we, too, left Club Ohm that night. We'd seen what we came to see, and our work was done. As we passed by Vikka and the rest of the Penthouse Pets, though, one thing came to mind: I could leave, but they never could. This was their life.

main

Ophi and her suitor. This photograph was untouched. He actually was this scary in real life.