A few weeks ago, I saw Joe Fratboy walking down North University Street, looking oh so sexy with his dirty white hat and tan Abercrombie cargo pants. He wore a t-shirt with this emblem: FRESHMEN GIRLS: GET 'EM WHILE THEY'RE SKINNY. Nice, eh?

Some students wrote to the school newspaper about how sexist and hurtful the shirt is. Of course, other students responded in letters to the editor; they used the typical assault of "you feminists are too PC, take a joke, lighten up." A girl in one of my classes argued that it's a woman's own fault if she's fat and undesirable, and that along with exercise, she should stop "drinking beer and eating those greasy chips." For the record, my friend C. and I hooted it up by saying, "Damn! Where my Pringles and Schlitz at?"

Then today, the "designer" (he called himself a designer in his letter, okay?) of the shirt wrote a letter to the newspaper, basically saying that yeah, dude, he made the shirt, and, like, some people just need to take a joke. Oh, Matt Berkowitz, you dolt, you shouldn't have done that. Because now I know who you are, and now I'm going to turn crazy on you. It's time for some vigilannie justice.

You see, I am going to find out where Matt lives. It won't be hard, as the university directory will have that information. Then I'll find a nice Priority Mail box and fill it with colorful confetti and paper shavings -- the good stuff that Hallmark stores sell, none of that styrofoam popcorn nonsense. Only the best for my good friend Matt. Then, I'm going to find my perfect kitty, and see if he has anything for ol' Matt. You may think that a kitten would have nothing to offer for someone like Matt. But you would be mistaken.

You see, I am going to clean Truman's litterbox and send Matt some nice, day-old cat shit. By the time the USPS takes care of things, Matt will have a lovely surprise when he opens the box.