how many nights have i stayed awake thinking of you? seemingly hundreds of hours spent writing you letters in my head that never reach paper, letters stored away in my heart, letters that i never really completely comprehend.

i am tortured with thoughts of you, of us, of time spent together. at the time i was deliriously happy and though i foresaw our inevitable finish, i allowed myself to include you in my life. why did i do this? why am i so stupid?

but i was drunken by you and everything about you. thinking about you carried me through the meaningless trials of daily life. i liked you and i liked how i felt around you. even now, i hear certain songs and the sunlight spreads itself around us again, coloring the greyness of memory. and i wonder why things have to be so difficult; it would be so satisfactory to feel as i did before.

this current state renders me incompetent as it threatens to cleave my heart.

addendum.  i still miss you.  but not a miserable, heartbreaking way.  i am glad we are friends.   it's good that way.  i still think you are one of the most beautiful people i've ever seen.   

all these songs i hear bring you to mind. i hate that so many things remind me of you.  if i could, i would be stoic and tough and i wouldn't care about this.  because every time i think of you, i think of how happy i was (and that you're happy without me), and that makes my present state seem just that much worse.  and as we all know, i'm no optimist as it is.

i miss being your friend.  i miss talking with you and laughing at your stupid, stupid jokes.  i miss knowing that someone loves me.   i feel terrible that i make you unhappy; this i can tell. 

addendum.  the best part about this is that it was written before annie's infamous wednesday night fiasco.  the piece is unfinished and will remain as such; for i can only write in present tense.  it's more than slightly odd that i missed you when you were still in my life.